Walking the Walk with a Cancer Patient
11 May 2012 Leave a Comment
Nothing has made this author appreciate life more than walking the cancer journey with a close friend. Every day is a gift for that person, though at the time, I’m not so sure he felt that way. Every day for him was a struggle. He struggled to get out of bed, to walk, to eat and even, to drink. Cancer and chemotherapy robbed him of energy.
Being able to do nothing that would increase his energy was difficult. After all, don’t we have the innate desire to improve another’s situation? What I could do was to remind him when to take his medication, provide healthy meals and beverages. When he was in pain, he couldn’t eat or drink. Like a drill sergeant, I would tell him he had to eat and drink or his organs would shut down. He’d force himself to take in nourishment.
As a friend, it is difficult to watch this otherwise very intelligent, systematic and independent person change before my eyes. He would think that he hadn’t changed much, but others would differ with him. I learned quickly that there was no urging him to participate in social functions when he wasn’t feeling up to doing so. I was the one who had to adjust to his changing life. He had a limited amount of energetic bursts that would come and go. He had to learn how to handle these bursts and nobody could do it for him.
There is no way that a person, who is undergoing chemotherapy, can live alone. You see, they get what is termed “chemo brain,” which changes how they process information and remember it. Our friend would open the back door and then later ask why the screen door was wide open. He didn’t realize that when he opened the inside door, he didn’t slide closed the screen door. This is a simple example. Other times he didn’t remember taking medicine, but he had done so. The list could go on and on.
Yes, it is very frustrating for the chemo patient. My guess is that it is frightening too. Their independence is taken from them, since there is little they can do to fully function on their own. My friend would drive to the store and back on days when he had a burst of energy. I would be concerned that he’d forget how to get home, but luckily that never happened.
Following eight months of surgery and therapy, my friend is looking forward to returning to himself, the person who can make his own decisions, take medications as prescribed, bathing again and making plans that he knows he can keep. Up to this point, all of his plans were contingent upon, “how I feel,” as he’d tell people.
Yes, I have not only gratitude for every morning that I wake up, but also for every day that I have the freedom to be me. With the constant news of other friends, family and acquaintenances who have been diagnosed with cancer, gratitude is stronger than ever. I’m taking one day at a time. We never know when we could be the next cancer patient. I was there once already – ten years ago – but, I was fortunate in that major surgery was all that i required to return to good health, since my cancer was caught in Stage 1.
If you are walking the cancer journey with someone, they need patience and understanding. Both are paramount. Pray for them, offer to read the newspaper aloud, and do thinking for them. They may not have the energy or capability to think that a popsicle will provide liquid and sugar that could give them enough energy to get up out of bed. Little things make a big difference to the patient. Consider the patient’s favourite food and beverages and find ways to make them easily consumable.
A massage or reiki channeling could be quite beneficial, but only if the patient is willing and able to handle either one. During treatment, the patient may wish to remain in total silence, rather than listen to music or watch television. Respect their preferences. They know what they can handle, and that which makes them feel better.
Educating ourselves is important. Cancer organizations have a wealth of information. Cancer support centres do likewise. Some centres provide programs for the caregiver, as well as the patient and their immediate family. The more you know and comprehend, the better service you can provide to the cancer patient. The journey is long, and it has its peaks and valleys. May your journey be successful so you can once again enjoy life together as family or friend.
Surprise Break-up
07 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Relationships Tags: anger, devastating, energy, love, partner, relationship, spouse
Even worse than losing a marriage partner to death is the surprise break-up. The spouse comes home and announces that the marriage is no longer working and they need to bow out. Perhaps there is another love in the wings waiting to be embraced (or is already). More of a revelation could be that the choice of new partner is the same sex as your marriage partner. Whatever the reason, it has been made clear that the “until death do us part” has met its death.
Recovery. “How can I recover?” “What will others say or think?” “How can I face anybody?” “What did I do wrong?” These are all questions, and many more, that you ask. You can recover. You will recover. Who cares what others think? If they don’t stand by you, do you really need them in your life? This may be a period of awakening as to who your friends truly are. You have not changed; you have done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high. Don’t let your marriage partner steal your person away from you. Maintain your pride and your confidence.
Beat a pillow. Go into your car with the windows rolled up and music turned on and wail all you need to release the pain, anger and disappointment. If you play an instrument, do so to release these feelings. Talk with a close family member or friend, after you ask if they are willing to be your sounding board. Stomp your feet in your basement. Take papers out of your waste basket and tear them into little pieces. Do anything legal that uses up that pent up energy that goes with the desire to tear your marriage partner apart.
This was never the “surprise” that you wanted or expected. However, you are a survivor and you’ve given your all to the relationship in the past. Reward yourself. Plan a trip, buy chocolate, shop for a new outfit or think about what reward you would love to receive – and give it to yourself. Wrap it up and attach a card. Slowly unwrap the gift and read the card. No, this is not at all silly or ridiculous. This is showing appreciation to yourself for who you are and what you have contributed to your relationship. Turn the negative situation into a positive.
Another suggestion is to make a sketch of the kind of life you would like if you could create it. Who would be in your life? Where would you live? What would you be doing for a living? What would you do for fun? What car would you drive if you had one? Who would live with you? Once you’ve answered all of these questions, plan it all on a gigantic piece of paper. Then decide what you need to do to make it all become real. This is your opportunity to create a new life for yourself. Why not make it all that you wish it to be?
While the surprise breakup is devastating, it doesn’t have to devastate you, unless you allow it to do so. Here’s hoping that you give yourself the credit you are due and forge ahead. Congratulations, and, remember to PRAY. God is everywhere. God will give you guidance, if you are open to receiving it. God will open doors of opportunity. Move out of the way, so He can do so.
Mothers
03 May 2012 Leave a Comment
Mother’s body nourished and protected us as we developed within her womb. Whether birth was natural or by Caesarian, she endured considerable pain and discomfort for a period of time. Because we are not cognizant of these periods of time in our life, we tend to not spend time being grateful for the first year of our development and start to life. Certainly we are aware that Mothers, whether she bore, adopted for stepped in and cared for us, sacrificed her wants and needs so that our wants and needs were met.
Those of us who are parents can truly appreciate all that our Mother did for us. We recognize the hours spent teaching children the basics of life, attending school events, cheering and supporting sports and arts events, volunteering for various children’s organizations and activities and providing a faith foundation, even if our family did not attend a place of worship.
For at least twenty years of Mother’s life, she gave up her freedom to come and go as she so pleased, constant and peaceful sleep through the night, relaxation and reading time, not to mention uninterrupted romantic time. Most Mothers would endure these sacrifices all over again and would not have changed a thing. They are proud of who we are and what we have made of our lives.
Now, our that our memories have been jolted, we think about all the arguments we engaged in, sneaking out of the house, lies, hiding things, perhaps even stealing from time to time. Few of us grew up without causing waves within our homes. We tested; we tried our Mother’s nerves. What did she do?
Mother continued to forgive. She pointed out our errors and guided our considering the right way to remedy situations. When necessary, she stuck up for us. Some things Mother overlooked, knowing that we would figure it our for ourselves. She also knew when we would punish ourselves more than any punishment she could have dished out.
As adults, Mother avails herself to be a source of information when we make inquiries. She’s there to help us communicate with our children when we are not reaching them. Grandma has a loving and patient manner that she has gained with years of experience and aged wisdom.
Mother’s Day celebrates motherhood and all that it entails. Let’s put aside our wants and needs for that one day to focus on her. Let her feel our gratitude for everything she has endured over the decades of our lives. Treat her like royalty, without hurrying back to our projects and concerns. Take time to feel our gratitude. Remember, Mother will not be physically in our lives forever. The Lord will call her at some time to join him.
Patience
28 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Imagine all that could be accomplished if more people took the time to be patient. No, that doesn’t mean visit to a doctor. If more of us would simply concentrate on being calm and enjoy the moments, minutes and perhaps even hours that we find ourselves waiting for something or someone. That act of patience could be used constructively to be creative in one’s mind, to rest or to observe others.
How often we are in the grocery line – on to discover that we are in the absolute slowest one? Of course, our visit to the doctor’s office is on a date he or she has an emergency arise, so we have to wait. Though the time we choose to travel across the busy city is usually its least hectic time, this one there’s construction so traffic comes to a halt for a half hour. Since we cannot orchestrate all the moves in our environment, the control we have is best used by being patient. Thereby, our health is not compromised. Blood pressure does not sky-rocket. We prevent becoming stressed-out and possibly taking it out on others.
Of everything ever written, what demonstrates patience best is The Hare and The Tortoise. Without getting over-heated and stressed-out, the tortoise beat the hare because the hare assumed that it would win heads up. The tortoise maintained its pace and focus, and in the long run won the race. Patience won. Look at what the tortoise accomplished because he didn’t let other potential influences to get in his way.
May patience be the source of inspiration, relaxation and enjoyment for you.
First Anniversary of Spouse’s Death
21 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Relationships Tags: anniversary, cemetery, dearth, deceased, life, memories, mourn, spouse
The first anniversary of a spouse’s death holds a bag of mixed feelings. Certainly it depends on whether your spouse endured the sufferings of a lengthy illness or injury or died suddenly and unexpectedly as to what those feelings may include. No matter how the death occurred, hurt, loneliness, sadness and love will be in that bag.
Why not plan how to spend that day in advance of its coming. There are a number of ways to do so:
- Visit to the cemetery, either alone or with family and friends. If children will be present, they could release balloons and send them to heaven as a gift to the deceased. Recitation of your spouse’s favourite prayers or poem could begin the remembrance. Perhaps some would like to give a brief speech highlighting special moments or sayings that touched their lives. All could gather at a home and enjoy a dinner or snack together as people who care about one another.
- Plan a trip to a place you always wanted to visit. Take a photo of your deceased spouse and know that he or she is there with you in spirit. If you believe in life after death, you will know in your heart how true this is. Whether to make this trip solo or with a close friend, that’s your call. One the anniversary day, plan to visit someone or someplace that would have had special meaning to you as a couple. In your heart, share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Prayer is a healing way to remember and give thanks for the time you had together, as well as remembering the promise of being together again in the future.
- Make a donation or set up a memorial in your deceased spouse’s honour so he or she will be remembered by many for years to come. Maybe you could set up a scholarship program to benefit students enrolled in a specific area of study that would have made your spouse proud.
The list could go on and on, depending upon your lifestyle and likes. Hopefully these ideas will generate more of your own. Whatever you elect to do, celebrate your deceased spouse’s life, for that is certainly what their wish would be. They would not want you to mourn and stop living. Rejoice in the memories, the little jokes you shared, the antics that made each other laugh, the heart-warming moments you shared and be grateful. That’s what life is all about.
Trust in God
19 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Faith, Families, Self-Help Tags: answers, control, direction, family, future, God, happy, impossible, prayer, reflect, trust
There are so many aspects of life that are way beyond our control. You know what some of them are. We all do. It is impossible for us to manage at times. Mental hospitals and jails are proof of this. Trust in God is paramount to obtaining answers, attaining goals, and being happy.
Let’s say you have a situation that his harmful to a member of your family. Pray to God for direction. Find quiet time to reflect on that for which you prayed. Be still and listen for the answers that will come from within your soul. That’s one way God speaks to us. Sometimes the answers do not make sense to us or they seem cruel, though not dangerous, depending upon the situation. When we follow the directives the Lord sends us, life changes. Situations fall into place, doors open, contacts are made that we otherwise probably never would have encountered.
Suddenly, you will believe in earth angels that God places in our midst to help us. This writer is recalling a time when our house was about to be foreclosed on. Oh, how prayers were being sent out for answers. A knock on our door one day provided a buyer for our house as well as another house for our family to live in for a year until we got back on our feet. Our family will be eternally grateful to this individual who was a stranger to us but rescued seven desperate people.
Another time when we didn’t know how we’d have money for bread, milk and cereal for our children for the next day, a letter came in the mail from a long-time elderly family friend who was thinking of us. She sent a $75 check with the note that she thought our family would enjoy the treat of going out to a restaurant for dinner. Little did she now how she was rescuing us for that week. With some careful spending we were able to buy a week’s worth of groceries with that money.
Prayers are extremely valuable, if only people realized just how much they are needed. It’s always been said to never pray for money or to win at gambling. Save prayer for the true necessities. God answers every prayer, though perhaps not in the way that we prefer. God knows far more than we do about our future. That’s part of the beauty of prayer. The experiences that come to us afterward are like Christmas or Birthday gifts. We unopen them with excitement and care, for we know that they have been given to us with love and careful choosing.
Trust in God and your future will change for sure.
Loneliness of Being Widow or Widower
19 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Faith, Relationships, Self-Help Tags: alone, death, life, loneliness, moving on, partner, prayer, spouse, widow, widower
Especially having been happily married for over a decade, the loneliness experienced by a widow or widower is impossible for many to comprehend, unless they have experienced a spouse or partner’s death. It could be described as wretching at times, so empty that it is painful. Even when in a room full of people, this feeling does not depart. Like a screen, we can talk with and feel the presence of others, but there is a barrier that doesn’t allow them access to our being. Hard as we try, that screen is tough and won’t tear or open.
The best a widow or widower can do is to pretend. Join others for lunch, dinner, parties and even one-on-one visits. These activities keep you in the loop of friends and family, so that when time heals your wound enough, you will feel that screen slowly disappearing. Afterward, you will find enjoyment once again that comes from your heart. Oh, you will still miss your partner. That won’t change. What will change is enjoyment for the present moment.
Talking with others who walk in your shoes can be very helpful. However, carefully choose who you partner with. Certainly the person who is always depressed and negative will not be the one who will help pull you out of your doldrums. Those who have more time between the present and their partner’s death than you have will most likely be the ones who can serve as an example that the loneliness will lessen and that you will once again be able to be truly social with enthusiasm. That does not mean you will forget your partner nor that you will not miss his or her presence. Instead, it means that you can experience fun and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty or lonely.
If you are a believer in prayer, asking for God’s assistance with your healing and moving on with living will bring you opportunities, growth and contacts that you will recognize because you are cognizant of God’s presence with you at all times. God bless!
April Affirmation
16 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Slumbering nature is coming alive. The miracle of buds appearing and blossoming into rich green leaves or gorgeous flowers never ceases to amaze me. Open windows and doors to invite in the fragrance of Spring. All of nature is inviting me to become alive!
Lord, I thank you for the miracles you perform each Spring. You remind me to re-discover dormant aspects of my being. You blessed me with talents that I may have put on a back burner or they may be yet unrealized because I haven’t tested them. Give me the nudge to dare to discover that which I do not know about myself.
I am blessed with life, itself. Please forgive me for not always recognizing life as being a gift. I am guilty of taking it for granted. Thank you for allowing me to wake up this day.
As I walk about today, may I observe the beauty of nature. Fluffy white clouds against a blue backdrop remind me of being a child and looking for images I could recognize in the clouds, when I was supposed to be listening to the teacher. Chirping birds communicating with one another serve to remind us that they are amazing creatures of nature.
I ask your guidance, oh Lord, to extend your love to others by greeting friends and strangers with warmth, taking time to recognize and enjoy the present moment throughout the day and praying for those who are enduring hardship, pain and suffering of all kinds, as well as those who have decisions to make and unpleasant tasks to do.
This world is full of anger, hatred, distrust and fear. As I go about my day, I want to share your love, positive comments, and encourage trust. While there is not a lot I can do all alone, I can pray for world peace and for the humane treatment of all individuals.
Thank you, Lord, for Spring and new discoveries about myself.
Poor Me – Nobody Cares
21 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Families, Self-Help Tags: alive, blahs, blessed, protective, release, remembrances, soul
The blahs have hit. If I could hide in my room and not come out, I’d be the happiest ever. We all have these days. However, when this feeling occurs on a daily basis for a a week or so and there is no known reason for it, then it is time to see a medical professional and receive an evaluation.
For the general blahs, there are a number of actions to take to chase them away. The first is to simply tell myself, It is a lovely day, since I am alive. Believe this statement as you say it. Repeat it often during the day. Try adding a smile to it and holding that smile for as long as possible each time. Chances are that before you realize it, you will be smiling naturally.
Listen to music that gives you a lift. Something that makes you want to dance or sing along with it is preferable. Music is known to be effective in changing one’s mood.
Read an inspirational book or something humorous. A literary piece that touches deep within my soul and makes me think constructively will give me the nudge to become productive. Surprise me and let me see what inner talent is sleeping within my being.
Visit someone worse off. Certainly there is some individual I know who has something to be blue about. They’ve lost their job, they received a cancer diagnosis, their parent or child died or they are struggling with chemical imbalance or drug addiction. These are individuals who should rightfully have the blahs. I fit into none of these categories, therefore, I am truly blessed.
It is my woe is me feeling that nobody cares about me. When I am honest with myself and give it a sincere thought, I know that there are many who truly care about what happens to me and how I feel. I need to shake this “poor me” recording that is playing in my head and replace it with remembrances of all that others have said or done for and with me. In reality, I am genuinely blessed with family, friends and neighbours, as well as church members and others who try to crack my shell but I don’t let them in.
I’m tired of being encased within my invisibly protective glass box. The person that I am hiding from is ME. Who am I hurting? ME (and my immediate family). I’m fooling myself into believing that I’m “protected” since it simply isn’t true. I must release myself from this self-imposed prison that I’ve put myself into.
Thank you, Me, for hearing my words. For now I realize that I am truly a Lucky Me and that those nearest and dearest to me all care. Release me from the hold and let me soar into freedom to become all that I am capable of becoming.
Confidence
06 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Too often we are so wrapped up in how we feel that we don’t think about how others are thinking or feeling. We tend to believe that everybody else has the confidence we envy, while in reality the chances are that they experience the same kinds of doubts and concerns that we have. Perhaps this is why when we hear a public speaker or actor state how nervous they are when in front of a live audience, we are somewhat shocked.
Instead of looking at this lack of confidence as being a problem, view it as a blessing. Because of it, we think twice, we are prepared in advance and we bring with us a degree of humility. Even the braggart and person who presents as being overly sure of himself is generally timid, but the front presented shields it.
Once we know our material, believe we are well-groomed and had a good night’s sleep, step up to the plate, so to speak, and give it a go. Listeners are supportive of your efforts. Some are glad it is you and not them, and they applaud your confidence.
Yes, it is a vicious circle, this self-criticism we carry with us. What may work well is to think something like, “I am me and doing the very best I can. If others don’t like it, let them do better.” Applause to you for doing something and not simply sitting back and letting others act.
